Part 13
I don't know what it is, but I've been in a great mood since my talk with Mother F. Work is going great, and I've even started being the live entertainment. Mostly requested songs, some of my own, but starting at eleven till close, I'm at that mic singing, just having a great time.
Tonight, the crowd is rocking the karaoke machine themselves, and it's hilarious, but makes me think of our karaoke nights in Manchester.
Does it make me wistful? Every damn day. Every day I'm missing one thing or another about home, but keeping my eye on the prize of freedom pushes me on.
I've actually become great friends with Sonnie, Chuck, Momma A, and even Mother F. It's just clicked for me and I finally feel peaceful. Except for Paris and Nattie.
The first? I just gotta find the clarity to return to her. Find the Joel that is clear to be hers, mentally and physically. I'm almost there. The excitement of that is tempered by the sadness of what is holding me back.
Nattie. We still can't find her, and I've even enlisted Chuck in looking for her. I worry. Maybe our last conversation was too much, and I sent her over the edge.
I just know that I need the peace of our closure. I have a feeling that they are entwined. Her closure and mine depend on each other, and I want, no, crave, it for both of us.
"BARKEEP! Can you please save our ears?" Sonnie’s voice carries over the crowd and the god awful singing coming from the mic. The laughing and cheering crowd gives me the oomph, and I laugh.
I climb onto the mahogany bar, ring the damn cow bell and there is silence. Thankful silence. "Bring me the mic, choose any song in there, and let me show you how it's done."
The guy smirks, hands me the mic and heads back to the machine. The music starts, and I grin. Hell yes.
I start singing and doing this stupid jig on the bar, and the entire place erupts in claps and pounded pint glasses.
I been up, I been down.
Take my word, my way around.
I ain't askin' for much.
I said, Lord, take me downtown,
I'm just lookin' for some tush.
I been bad, I been good,
Dallas, Texas, Hollywood.
I ain't askin' for much.
I said, Lord, take me downtown,
I'm just lookin' for some tush.
Take me back way back home,
Not by myself, not alone.
I ain't askin' for much.
I said, Lord, take me downtown,
I'm just lookin' for some tush.
The song ends, and I see that there is a group on the floor, copying my moves, almost like a line dance and laugh.
I pull Sonnie up on the bar and ask for another song, speaking into the mic. "I think the owner of this fine establishment deserves to sing and dance along with me. What do you think?"
Sonnie shakes her head and tries to pull away, but I hold on tight as the crowd cheers her on. The music starts, and I raise my eyebrow in challenge to her. She laughs and we both share the mic and let it rip, singing and dancing like the fools we are.
If you wanna hang out you've got to take her out, cocaine
If you wanna get down, down on the ground, cocaine
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie, cocaine
If you got bad news, you wanna kick them blues, cocaine
When your day is done and you wanna run, cocaine
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie, cocaine
If your thing is gone and you wanna ride on, cocaine
Don't forget this fact, you can't get it back, cocaine
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie, cocaine
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie, cocaine
The music ends and Sonnie jumps off the bar, red faced and laughing. Looking out around the crowd, I freeze. No way.
I see Nattie standing in the back, staring at me, and I drop the mic.
"Sonnie, take over for me." I nod in Nattie’s direction and she nods. I jump off the stage and push through the crowd, ignoring the conversations people start until I'm directly in front of her.
"Hiya, Nattie. Want a beer?"
She laughs. Thank God she's laughing. At her nod, I hold my hand up for Sonnie to bring two beers over and commandeer a table.
"Sooooo... What's up, Nattie? Where ya been?"
She looks at me, eyes clearer than I've ever seen them. Something has changed and I'm dying to hear what it is. She stays silent until after Sonnie drops two pints off and leaves.
"I detoxed. For you."
Taken back, I just look at her as I sip. "Why?"
She sips her own drink, watching me the entire time, and sighs. "Because I thought, what if I was doing this all to me, and he really is okay? Like you. Then I thought of you, and how I bet your mother did the same and didn't turn to the shit I did. It wasn't... It isn't fair to my son, wherever he is, and I just stopped."
Rocked to the core, once again I feel this warmth about this woman. She endured so much and spiraled to where she is now. It clicks that it doesn't matter her reasons, what happened since, or what will happen. We are two people connected and we need to acknowledge it. Right now.
Reaching into my back pocket, I pull out my wallet and flip it to my license. "Read the name, Nattie. Not the last one, but the first. Is it familiar?"
She leans over my wallet, her eyes scrunched as she reads. I can tell the exact second it clicks. Her eyes tear up, and she takes a deep, shuddering breath.
She looks up at me, her eyes brimming with tears. "Joely? My Joely?"
The tears flow from both of us at my nod. It's all out. Everything is out in the open, and I feel freer than I've ever felt.
"It's me. And I'm okay, Nattie." I grab her weathered hands, squeezing them tight.
"I knew it. Those eyes. I dreamt of those eyes every night. A younger version, but those eyes."
The rest of the crowd fades away as we talk. Our lives, laid out sentence by sentence, and it's the best conversation I've had in a long time.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Part 14
I am on cloud nine with the Nattie thing. She's still under the bridge, still getting her money the only way she knows how, but as far as I can tell, still sober. We talk for hours everyday. Each conversation is another memory that I lock away, each another stitch in the story of us.
She told me why she did it, why she sent me away, and I get it. I don't know how she got herself into that position, but she was in it and made the best decision for both of us.
I ache for her. I used to ache for myself, but now it's all for her. What she did was only something that a woman of strength could do. Yet... Now look at her.
I almost feel guilt about how that decision, regarding me, zapped all her strength for the future. I told this to Sonnie, Chuck, and Momma A on our last poker night, and each of them slapped my proverbial dick in their own way. Reminding me that I can't feel any guilt for this. I was a child, and helpless in what happened. I know this, but I also know that Nattie was left with a decision that solely rested on the fact that I existed.
I try to reconcile the two, the logical and the emotional, and I find it very difficult. Sonnie has repeatedly asked me why she gave me up, but I won't tell her. I won't tell anyone, because it's not my secret to share. Nattie had her reasons, fully explained to me, and fully forgiven by me. That's all that matters to either of us.
Looking out of the bar windows, I watch the snow swirl and worry if she's okay. This is the storm of all storms, and even the bar is empty.
"Sonnie."
She comes out of her office and plops down on the stool beside me. "Whatcha want, J?"
The idea that has swirled in my head for the past hour, almost ludicrous, tumbles out. "Since we are closed, and Chuck is on his way, I need a favor."
She studies me, probably in an attempt to figure out what I'm thinking. It's so crazy, I know she won't figure it out until I tell her.
"Ummmm... It depends. What's the favor?"
The door bursts open, and Chuck hurries in, shaking off the snow.
"I need you to come for a ride with me so that you can help me convince Nattie to spend the night at my apartment."
"J, you know Momma A won't let that happen."
Chuck chimes in, and I'm shocked at his idea. "Well then we convince her to stay here. All four of us, camping at the bar. She doesn't have a drinking problem so we should be safe."
Sonnie stares at her brother like he's lost his mind, but all I feel is excitement. It could work.
"Great idea, fucker." I grab Sonnie’s hand, and drag her out of the bar. She's complaining the entire time, but grabs her jacket as we leave.
We've been under the bridge for thirty minutes before I see Nattie’s familiar shuffling silhouette appear in the street lights.
Honking my horn, she trudges over, and I open the door. "Hey. Get in."
"Huh? What? No, no, no." I get a close look at her and I see she's high. My heart sinks, and I get a defeated feeling settling over me.
"Come on, Nattie girl. Let's go." Sonnie has this firm but cajoling tone going on that I couldn't have if my life depended on it.
Nattie’s eyes whip towards Sonnie, and she snarls. "Get the fuck away, crazy. Crazy!"
Seeing she's irrational, I jump out of the truck, and grab her hands, trying to get her to focus on me. "Nattie, what's going on?"
"I couldn't do it. Not even for you, Joely. I can't, so stop pushing me."
Confused, I just watch her pace and mutter about being a failure. I shiver as the snow and wind settle over me, and soon, she settles down, her high gone. "Nattie..."
She looks up at me, her eyes so tragically lost that I can't even meet her gaze. "I'm sorry, Joely. I'm so sorry. Even with my heart happy and filled with you, I can't stop."
"It's okay. We try again, right?"
She shakes her head, and I know she isn't going to change. She's right; she's too far gone. Nattie starts to trudge away from the truck, and I keep calling her name, but she ignores it.
"It's okay. I love you anyways... Mom."
She turns to me, and I see a smile so bright, I start to feel something like hope. Maybe calling her what she is will keep her here. She waves and calls out, "I love you too, son." She turns and continues away from me, down the side path that follows the bridge, and I can't do anything but watch.
She's been out of my sight for a while when I feel a hand on my shoulder. Turning towards Sonnie, I just shrug. Nothing else I can do really.
"Let's go, J. She will be back, and you know that you made her smile today. Let that be enough."
I nod, and we silently make our way back to the truck. We climb in and let the heat warm us for a bit before I put it in gear and look at her. "Still up for the sleepover?"
~~~~~
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