Part 17
The interment is done. It's actually been done for days now, and I finally feel a peace inside me that I've never had. Ever. Even in my happiest days with Paris, there was always this… something that churned inside me. It's gone. That means I'm done, right?
Wrong. Now that I have peace, I need to evaluate with a clear head about what I really want. Really. Deep down, true to myself, what Joel wants.
Now, the middle of a poker game with Sonnie, Chuck, Momma A, and even Mother F, isn't the best time to ponder this, but my new motto of "it is what it is" lets me continue on.
Paris. I love her with my entire soul, but neither of us are perfect by any means. Not even close. But love isn't perfect, and at the same time, our faults could truly be clashing to the point that it's futile to continue.
I push that thought out of my head immediately. Nothing in life is worth giving up on. I know that for a fact, especially after Nattie. I just have to dig deep inside, find my dreams and goals, and hope that hers are at least similar. It gives me something to grasp onto and fight for.
I look at the laptop, at all the emails I've sent, with no responses. What if that means she's done? Finished. Or what if it wasn't Mav’s email address and she never got them? Brushing my hands over my face, I push my cards in, face down.
"I'm out, guys. Divide my chips between each other, ‘kay?"
The chorus of "awww man" makes me give a small smile, and I wander over to the desk from St, Michael’s. I fit my frame inside it, rest my head on my hands and just think. I think of us: the joy, the love, the fights, and the pain. Each playing in my head like an old movie, frame after frame.
I see a mass of black out of the corner of my eye as Mother F rests her hip on the desk.
"What's the matter? Why pull back again?"
I scrunch my eyes closed, trying to block it all out but us. The fights, the passion, the fucking love that radiated through all of it.
"What if people are right, and love isn't enough?"
She sighs and rubs my head as one would a small child's.
"Love is always enough. True love will be there, sometimes buried under the pain, but still there."
"Is it? Even when there is pain? If you loved, you wouldn't cause pain, would you?" My mind races through the last month of our relationship and I feel that hurt, on both our sides. "We never ever did one thing to intentionally hurt each other, but it still happened. It did, and I am terrified that it was the last bit of whatever we had."
"You can't focus on the bad. Acknowledge it, admit it, change what you can. Then focus on the good, and from the look in your eyes, there was a lot of good."
"So much good. I was so at peace, except for this. Now this is done, I've done what I can, and I'm so proud of how I did it." The feelings I get at the thought of her smiles, winks and saucy hip wiggles make it another picture. The one I want - I crave with every breath I take.
The two pictures battle in my head, and I feel like I'm going insane for a second. Fisting my hair, I look up at Mother F. "I'm not going to figure this out in day, am I?"
The chorus of "no's" tells me the poker game is on hold for the evaluation of Joel. Where I would have balked in the past, I now actually want to hear their advice. Not to help me make my decisions, but to honestly see what they see.
"Okay, peanut gallery, what is in each of your heads?" They all look around at each other, trying to figure out who's going to speak first. I take the choice away and look at Momma A. "What do you think, Agnes?"
She shuffles her feet, staring at them, almost mumbling. "I don't want you to go, but I see that you love her too much to stay here, and I hope she loves you enough to keep you. If not, you come back here."
I chuckle. "Agnes, I'm not going anywhere yet. I need to figure out some stuff still." I look over at Sonnie, "And you?"
"I think you've come a long way, J-Man. A long fucking way. But it takes two, and you know that. This whole thing is a slippery slope you're on. Who knows what's at the other end waiting?"
She once again hits the nail on the head. I don't know what is in Paris's head, what she wants or needs from me, if she needs anything at all. Finally I look at Chuck. "What's your take, man?"
He laughs, and pulls out my old phone. "I think that the Joel I know, the one right in front of me, I would be proud to call a brother-in-law. If Sonnie swung that way, that is. It's time you take the next step, when you're ready."
I catch the phone when he tosses it and look at it as if it holds all the answers. One phone call… that's all it will take to get this ball moving in whichever direction it will go. I'm torn, sure that the decision is made, but wary of the outcome.
I sit the for the longest time at my old school desk, spinning the phone over and over, trying to push past this last bit of fear I have. The unknown. That alone freezes me, and I think this is the hardest thing I've done to date.
I look around and realize that the apartment has emptied out, except for me and the phone. Do I call now? Or do I wait?
My mind starts comparing the two lives I've led recently. Manchester and Boston - on opposite sides of a huge fucking ocean, but connected in a way I will never separate again. I think of my family, the one that is back home, and my heart aches from the way I miss them all.
Paris, my soul, the one that I feel empty without. She's the driving force and I need to finally show her the man I can be. Slowly, I power on the phone, and press the one number to the one person I have to talk to.
The phone rings and rings, and finally, I hear her voice in a recording instructing me to leave a message. I clear my throat. "Umm... Hey babe, it's me. I just want to talk to you, if you have time. Call me. I love you."
I hang up the phone, and pray that she calls back soon. My stomach reminds me that I haven't eaten yet today, and I decide to pick up a meatball grinder from the corner pizza parlor.
The whole way there, I have a spring in my step, and a smile on my face. I can't fucking wait to talk to her, tell her what's happened, how I feel, and hope she's ready for whatever happens next with us.
All I can picture while I wait for my food, is a barrage of hopeful images in my head. Me and the boys in the backyard mucking around, Paris sunbathing in her lounger until I decide she's teased me enough and attack her. Hell, even football toss with Ethan and nachos and beer with Mav. Each one flashes and makes me smile more.
My number is called and I head up to pay for my food as I notice Chuck walk in. I start making my way to him as I hear a commotion.
Looking over my shoulder, I see two masked men waving guns and demanding money from the clerk. Their actions remind me of that john in the crack house, and the uneasiness of the situation washes over me.
I see it. They are craving for their next fix, and I know they will do anything to get it. Glancing over at the cashier, I see the terror in her eyes. She's frozen. I try to catch her attention as the rest of the customers and all my surroundings edge into my consciousness - the family huddling under the table, the old man slumped down on the ground, muttering what I assume is a prayer, and the young girl behind me.
She's alone with a little baby, and its whimpers are being hushed by her. I continue to keep my eye on the robbers, and the baby lets out a wail. The sound echoes through the entire place and one of the robbers whips his gun towards the noise.
I quickly slide in front of the mother and baby, knowing if someone calmly speaks to them, it can easily be resolved.
Raising my food and hands in the air, I take a step towards them, slowly speaking. "Hey now. Let me give you some money for your fix, and then just go get high. It's a good idea. Think about it."
The robber who isn't waving his gun around looks at me and I can see him weighing his options. The other is too far gone. He's not even thinking of anything but the next fix.
The calmer of the two looks at me and asks, "How much you got?"
Mentally calculating my money, I move slowly away from the other customers, both robbers still focused on me. "Two hundred bucks or so, and it's all yours."
I reach my empty hand towards my wallet, pulling it out. My hands scramble to get inside the leather as quickly as I can. I'm fumbling and can't help it. Suddenly, the more frantic of the robbers points his gun straight at me.
I don't even have time to look up before I hear the yelling of his friend, followed immediately by the sound of a shot going off.
Bang! That one sound causes my body to freeze.
It takes a moment for the air to leave my mouth as the world around me stops.
My body goes numb, and I surreally look down at the red spot growing on my chest. The grinder falls from my raised hand as the robbers grab my now exposed wallet and run. Everything is muffled as I feel myself falling forward. All I can think about is Paris. She didn't call me. I want to talk to her, but I can't reach my pocket for my phone. At least I told her I loved her when I called.
I try and focus as I see a muted Chuck standing over me. He's almost dream like. I see him yelling, but I'm not hearing anything. All I can feel is the cold, and something warm running out of my mouth. I feel nothing. No physical feeling at all. I know I've been shot, but shouldn't there be pain? Something?
My mind is racing at the same time my body stops. Memories of her are moving through my head, her smile, her laugh, her wit, riding her bike. We never took that trip on our bikes I promised. TJ and Trix flow into my mind along with Mav, Ethan, and everyone else.
I just wanted to come here, fix myself, and go home to her. I realize now that will never happen, and I finally feel pain when I realize she won't see the man I became for her.
My eyes are trying too hard to stay open. I keep fighting them, but it's getting harder by the minute. I try and focus on Chuck, but it's all a blur. I feel myself drifting away, so finally I smile as I think of her and close my eyes.
---- Chuck---
I'm not too surprised to see Joel getting food. His cupboards have been bare as all hell this last week, and I think he's finally ready to head home. I wonder if he talked to her. This Paris chick is all he's focused on, and I'm glad that he was able to do what he could to be the right kind of man for her.
I nod to him when he catches my eye, and he starts making his way over to me. That's when it happens - a robbery. Two cracked out fuckers are waving guns around, and I freeze.
I see Joel turn and notice them, and he starts moving towards them and speaking as if he can stop them. "NO! NO!" I'm screaming in my head. It's like a slow motion movie as the entire situation unfolds, and everyone but the robbers and Joel are frozen still, myself included.
POP POP POP echos through the pizzeria and I see Joel suddenly lurch and freeze. The drugged up fuckers run out the door after grabbing his wallet, and I rush towards Joel as he slides to the floor.
Slipping in his blood when I get to him, I frantically yell and shake him.
"Joel, don't you close those eyes." I look up and scream, "SOMEONE CALL FUCKING 911!"
I look back at Joel, and I feel the tears. This kid, with a heart of gold and the determination I wish I had, is gasping for breath, and all I see is a red froth coming out of his mouth.
"Why? Why did you do that? It was a fool’s job. You know that. Fuck. Don't die. Don't... Just hold on for the ambulance.”
Realizing I'm not doing much but rambling, I look around.
"Where are the cops?" The owner comes rushing from behind the counter with white cloths that he presses into Joel's chest.
"We called them. We just need to put pressure on the wound." The owner is on auto pilot, not seeing what I'm seeing, the gasping breaths, blood coming from his mouth, and the almost lifeless look in his eyes.
Joel’s pocket starts ringing, and I dig into it, flipping it open, just as he smiles, closes his eyes, and goes still. "JOEL! Don't you fucking dare give up."
Remembering the phone in my bloody hand, I bring it to my ear and croak out a frantic "Hello? Call back later."
As I'm about to hang up, the voice on the other end is a sweet, British, female voice, tinged with panic.
"Who is this? What do you mean don't give up? Where's my husband?"
Paris.
Fuck.
What do I?
How do I this?
I finally croak out, "Paris, you need to come to Boston."
I hear the unneeded sirens coming closer and let out a sob. "Joel... He's been shot and..."
----- the end------
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